The “Five Stages of Grief” were first explicated by Elisabeth Kubler Ross in her work On Grief and Grieving, published in 1961. Since her publication, there has been further research, nuanced explanations, and more detailed descriptions of the grieving process, with some adding up to 12 steps.
For instance, David Kessler, a colleague of Kubler-Ross, says, “The five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling” (Kessler, 2022).
Others have described the process as waves (Roldan, 2022) or a spiral (Lewis, 1961) to signify that grief is not a linear process, but one that meets us throughout life in various orders The stages of grief are meant to be descriptive, rather than prescriptive of how a person processes loss. Below is an overview of Kubler-Ross’ updated seven stages of grief.
Denial and Shock
Initially, the loss may be met with denial—a protective response when the shock of the loss overwhelms and doesn’t make sense. Like Lewis commented on the loss of his wife to cancer, “The death of a beloved is an amputation…No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing” (Lewis, 1961).
Like every emotion, grief has visceral components. The shock of a loss triggers your sympathetic nervous system to go into protective stance, namely fight, flight, or freeze. In this state you may find yourself feeling numb, like you want to run or escape, or defend yourself against attack. These are all normal initial stages of beginning to come to grips with a loss.
Pain and Guilt
In this stage of grief, the initial shock of the loss is replaced by beginning to feel the pain of it. Many also experience senses of guilt that their overwhelming pain is not only impacting them, but also affecting the lives of those around them.
Similarly, you may also experience guilt— “you may think there was some way you could have stopped the death from occurring. Knowing that you could have done a million and one things differently – but didn’t –“ (Roldan, 2022). This is a common wave of grief that many get stuck in due to past feelings of guilt surrounding the loss.
Anger and Bargaining
Within this stage of grieving process, you may find yourself overwhelmed with anger. This is a protective response to the loss you have suffered.
Anger can sometimes give a sense of control because it is an active emotion displayed in physical ways such as yelling or throwing things. Contrast this with the underlying pain of grief that often initially correlates with feeling out of control, helpless, or even hopeless.
Bargaining is also a protective part of grief where you may try and regain control by creating if/then or “I’ll never” concrete situations amid feeling out of control of the loss.
As Roldan explains, “Grief is passive in that the loss is thrust upon you. You have no choice – you will be emotionally affected by the death of a loved one. And grief is active in how you choose to respond to this loss” (Roldan, 2022).
Depression
In this wave of grief, you may feel alone and isolated. The protective anger and bargaining responses may be replaced by the weight of the pain of the loss. It is important to seek out support and help if you are feeling as though you cannot handle the weight of your grief. Please see the references below for resources.
The Upward Turn
This stage of the grieving process is one where you regain a sense of control and mastery. You may begin to feel more hope and that your pain of loss is something you can live with and through.
Reconstruction and Working Through
Like the upward turn, this wave of the grieving process is when you continue to adjust and adapt to life as it continues on.
Acceptance and Hope
This is not the end of the grieving process. Rather, it is the stage in which you further adapt to life after your loss. You may experience a shift in focus, such as developing new goals and dreams.